lusty eyes dig into me like pain
no surprise ii found you dancing in the rain
sex without a soul
no pretense of control
you sweep me up and then you disappear
your voice is all ii hear
the echo that ii fear
you’re the nothing in my words
the power in my hands
the everything ii know
and no one ever understands
take everything everywhere
you’re never really anywhere
but you watch me like a slave
and you swallow me and follow me
and leave me here to crave
to bleed to fight
to feed your diabolic appetite
_________________________________________________
lost one instant and sure the next
and ii never know where he isn’t
because every vibe in the room belongs to him
he’s perfect in his mania.. a little boy feeling too affected.. laughing and knowing and enjoying but never satisfied
and the way he twists emotion… he never stops feeling yet his mind moves faster than wind, and he never thinks before he speaks, yet his words cut into something beyond truth.. beyond death.. beyond reason…. his art penetrates something within that knows, yet chooses in its freedom to surrender to emotion
and sometimes he closes the world out
he continues to pour but refuses to drink
as though his body is too fragile to digest what he touches
the only way to reach him in those moments is to watch… to listen
to realize that nobody will ever understand him
yet allow him to show me
what ii am
_________________________________________________
he breathes as though death
did not exist
he growls like embers
red rough and raw
basking in the hot glow ii
can’t touch it
This is the fire
his wild motion
sucking my oxygen
smoke seethes
through his skin
as he crawls closer
my throat is dry
dangerous
warm to watch
painful to touch
deadly to catch
ii want to be
consumed fucked torn destroyed
can’t. can’t. can’t can’t can’t
must extinguish this
turn away
… but ii’d have to pull my eyes out
by the sockets to stop
staring
it rips it stings
gasping for fresh air
choking sweating
and ii need it
his voice falls into words like ashes
breaking me into myself
ii want to be
burned alive
__
~ Diary 1999
