This is my message to the heartless manipulators who try to shame me for my honesty and my open romance with natural beauty and love. My nudity- whether it be physical or psychological – is only offensive to those who have something to hide. My nudity burns their eyes and makes them feel exposed, so they try to cover me up and make me shrink away like they do, so they can cower safely behind their masks. When that doesn’t work they create rumors and stories around the meaning of my nudity, trying to cover it up with fantasies. “She wants me, she cheats on her husband, she’s a whore, it’s a scheme!”
Yet I remain naked, open, honest and true, in all of my beauty, suffering and errors: I remain true. Psychological nudity, physical nudity, emotional nudity, mental nudity.. I am what I am, and I am here to stay. Murder me, and I will haunt you in another form. Murder all the lovers in the world, and the monsters in your head will strip you naked in your nightmares. My nudity is a force of nature, and it is not going ANYWHERE. Your only chance against me is to free yourself from your lies before the fire of truth burns you alive.
“Kali’s nudity has a similar meaning. In many instances she is described as garbed in space or sky clad. In her absolute, primordial nakedness she is free from all covering of illusion. She is Nature (Prakriti in Sanskrit), stripped of ‘clothes’. It symbolizes that she is completely beyond name and form, completely beyond the effects of maya (illusion). Her nudity is said to represent totally illumined consciousness, unaffected by maya. Kali is the bright fire of truth, which cannot be hidden by the clothes of ignorance. Such truth simply burns them away.”
Next time some healthy person gives you unsolicited medical advice implying that you “aren’t trying hard enough” to get better, or some pseudo-spiritual nutjob starts preaching about changing your mindset, here’s a piece of advice:
Look that ignoramus straight in the eye – even if it’s your friend. Look them straight in the eye and say, “Does it scare you to think that a person could take all the right pills, adopt all the right diets, pursue all the deepest psychological healing, and still remain ill? Does it scare you to think this could happen to you? Does it scare you to think that even if you did manage to attain some ideal spiritual enlightenment, you could still contract a physical illness that ruins your life or kills you? Can you look that TRUTH in the eye, and accept it? Accept that your life is not in your control, yet still do your best to do what you can, love while you can and strive for health in the best ways you are able? When you learn to do that, you just might be as spiritually enlightened as I am, and thus you would not feel the need to project your fears onto others.”
Then, forgive them, if it suits you. Know that their suffering is likely deeper than yours, as you have been forced to accept something they are still struggling with. There is no point hating people for their luck, as this hatred will burden you unnecessarily; but this dose of truth may help them to wake up, if they are strong enough to appreciate it.
I did not fall from grace.
I clawed my way through my own inner hell and traveled so deep beyond its core that I caught glimpses of the other side.
I had wonderful, loving parents.
But I was not innocent, idealistic or good. My hope, innocence and goodness had to be earned, if ever I was to discover them at all.
What about you?
We need our defense strategies (enneagram) and biases (functions) for a reason. These strategies give the mind a pattern that it can learn to protect itself from chaos.
The defenses work on automatic..so uncovering the truth about them weakens them and leaves the ego bare, exposed, raw.
Over time it helps to see ourselves, so that we may use our defenses but prevent them from using us …
But at first, exposing the truth about our automatic reactions and “inner settings” forces us to change. The ego resists changing because it is scared of exposure and chaos…rightfully so. Whether or not someone types correctly, it is only a strong ego that can digest the true meaning of its own type… and even then, the ego will continue defending itself by creating distortions around that idea, such as taking pride in your type, being ashamed, creating internal drama around it… all of which distracts from looking at the self objectively. Embracing the deep value of typology, on an egoic level, is a lifelong journey.
I was in some ocean city with a weird electromagnetic building and I kept having visions – or maybe watching previews – of this giant building which looked like a crystal lump from afar, lighting up electrically and sinking into the ocean.
I remember walking past the building with you on the bridge in the same place where I had seen the vision of something odd exuding weird light and blowing up. So one day I went into it. I seemed to know my way around. The decorations were amazing low yellowish light, bone made art, wooden bookshelves, combo between rustic and steampunk, but the steampunk vibe was not explicit. As I walked through the aisles, I saw Brady, my first love. It was still the same setting, but felt like a dimension somewhere had shifted. I was emotionally by myself, you weren’t in my heart yet.
I locked eyes with him and we moved through the shelves in the shared mindset (I could feel it) that we needed to work this out once and for all. So we talked in these dark kind of serious but nostalgic tones for a bit. Then some women saw us. They looked like they were part of the setting… their style was in line with the rustic steam punk vibe, and it felt as though they knew something about us on a level that we needed to be cautious of. So, we headed behind bookshelves quietly and then, as we rounded corners, I looked over and saw the woman following us and her two friends. She was black looking with long hair and gigantic heart lips, bold as fuck, with a small dark gold axe in her hand and leathers on her body that signaled me she was some kind of warrior.
She looked over at ….Salvador (my best friend). It was as though he had been the one sneaking through the shelves with me, and his outfit suggested familiarity with the place… he was either from there, or knew about it and dressed to match. But this was his full style, like his real heart was born in this outfit. There was bone and claw jewelry involved. The woman stared at him. She wanted him. He and I knew we needed to keep to ourselves and somehow, I knew he felt like he could not let her find something out. So I looked at him and he was staring at her, unflinching, but I know he also knew I was watching and was telling me he would take care of this and confuse her (not in words). But I looked at her. She looked like evil other-planet warrior leaders in her vibe and garb, confident, in charge and ready to have her way. I did not know fully what that meant but I guessed, as I watched her watching him, that it was at least partly sexual.
I looked back at…you. She was looking at you and you at her, but you looked more statuesque, more ..dangerous. You had an outfit similar to how that place was and how Salvador’s outfit suited it, but you were a darker evolution or perhaps something more base. The sense i got was “bone claws.” And bone necklaces with claws and another that had special power. And snake rings on your fingers. Blackness around your eyes like those photos we took, and you staring through it in a similar way. Destruction was near and it was inevitable, but you didn’t give a flying fuck..bring it on. That was your vibe.
As she stared at you and you at her, you glanced at me, met my eyes and had a smile in your eyes. It wasn’t obvious.. it was a kitty glare, with some sarcasm. But I knew, I knew you were going to lure her from afar but if she got too close… destroy.
She looked at me and said something. I forgot but something like, I will have him. None can resist me.
I knew.no other could resist her. But I had no shred of doubt.. I knew resistance would be a much better outcome for her than what was actually going to happen, but I didn’t know what it was. I said to her go ahead. Try . But I think I only said it with my eyes.
She said aloud, something like: are you sure. He will not resist.
I saw no point denying her the right to move in on you because I knew from how she stood that she did not see me as an obstacle. I could say no, he’s mine, but it would mean nothing. In her mind (the energy gathered from below the hips which was thinking for her, both about sex and conquering or destroying in a bigger way) you were already hers physically and she was doing me a courtesy by pretending I had the option to give you away. If I said no, it wouldn’t stop her, but would signal weakness or provoke a physical brawl that I could not win. She had that axe, and the look of a woman who could conquer cities in one night. Her friends would also do her demands, slim short haired sleek beauties with no soul.
I looked at you. You would not budge – your eyes said so.
I looked at her, signaling to go ahead, with a half smile like: how do you possibly think you can break through what we have? I was not worried; I found it amusing and absurd. I said either aloud or to myself , something like “i dare you.”
She approached you. As you stared at her coming towards you, your body language revealed she was going to lose. You were so solid it warmed my soul, but it was also unsettling. Salvador, when he was there, had the look of knowing he was in control (though I was not convinced, but at the very least that was his aim).. you had the look of, do whatever you want but if you cross this point and come too close… OBLITERATION.
But you did not think it was destructive. She deserved it, it was a dare, she could still have time to leave, and her friends would be stupid as fuck to not run away afterwards.
She got to you and there was a stare down, very brief and fleeting, but it felt like time slowing down. Then she reached forward to choke you, probably only to induce a rush but not to kill you. One of the snakes on your fingers suddenly hissed and wrapped itself around her finger, then her neck. As the snake choked her and she tried to choke it, which lasted only seconds and happened so fast that I’m not sure what happened and who was hurting who, the world turned to.. light. A magnetic unnatural light that felt almost not there, like it sucked us into a void.
I watched you and you watched me but there was no time to move; everything was changing to another dimension where there was no form, even though perhaps it was temporary, and not like death. I knew though, in that last moment, that although you were in obliterating mode, you had no idea this would happen.
Then I was watching through the eyes of someone else, a middle aged male reporter watching the same building from across the water, and someone beside him took footage. It was the same crystal edged bizarre structure falling into the water while light came out of it everywhere that I had seen in my visions. And so many I loved were inside.. including myself.
The world was shaking, darkening. We have to stop it, a voice shouted. The world is ending! It finally happened! Etc. But while some panicked, some seemed to feel there was a way to stop it and things could change. Darkness swallowed the world as all of these sentiments floated around and I realized that was why Salvador was there. But his presence opened the path to something base, and you had somehow moved through it and materialized in that spot. No matter what Salvador or we had done, this would have found a way to happen. The electromagnetic dimension and time shifting energy of the place had a mind of its own and we were instruments to enact its will, you most of all, Salvador more of a messenger. And I was your reason to not go along with the flow of the place, to obliterate the forces that be, rather than to lose your soul. You changed the rhythm of life. Salvador and I both danced right along with it and you heard it best somehow. Your danger outfit, the black around your eyes… you were the destruction while also being the only one that did not play along. Or perhaps that is exactly what you did.
But now our only hope to be together or be the same again was out of our hands. And I don’t know what form we were in or how we could come out if we ever did. But I felt we would emerge and our souls would be charged with something very, very powerful that would require training and presence of soul to control. We would be the next force to set the other forces. Not gods but beings of energy that glowed from within us and could be so powerful that it was a responsibility to channel it. But that was only how i felt, if we emerged at all.
I don’t think of people as having flaws. I think of every quality a person has as potential.
Let’s suppose you start with being a very receptive person. Your worst potential then is to lose your own voice completely; whereas a possible best potential is to channel and navigate the energies of the world.
Any quality someone has, has potential to be their best or worst.
I’ve always said, my best AND worst quality is my passion. My passion can go to the realm of manic obsession, singularity of focus at the expense of all else.. or it can get channeled in a way that inspires others.
I’m a vampire at my worst and a vessel at my best.
Is that a flaw? No. Is it an asset? No.
It’s whatever I make it.
But trying to be something else..to embody something that isnt naturally “me” … is.. not going to work.
I think it’s best to discover what makes you “you” and then channel it.
And in channeling it, there will be mistakes, there will be glory, there will be pain…
but as long as there’s growth, it is worth it. Nothing worth having comes easy. Nothing worth DOING or BEING comes easy.
I have always been very hyper aware of whats wrong with me as in, what other people can’t accept or can’t love; but I also feel like I’d be fine if only I was on my home planet.
But, I’m not.. so the best I can do is bring memories of my home planet to Earth, to help others discover themselves, to communicate, to give them ..whatever it gives them. Hope, escape, introspection…whatever.
Not everyone will care or notice. But I can only share my own truth.
What more can anyone do?
When people start thinking in terms of “flaws” vs. “assets,” what they’re really doing is plugging in to what others want or expect them to be.
When they think of themselves as “potential” or “energy” ….
then perhaps there’s a chance of learning what to do with that energy.
“Flaws” is a myth that society has drilled into us.
Something is only a flaw if you let it destroy you.
“Four years ago, Erica had a dream. Standing on a snowy rise, she was captivated by the sight of a stranger. He wore a long dark coat, just like hers. As their eyes met, they both recognized the familiar sight of destiny. They knew, from a single stare; they are One.
For all of her life, she had been writing stories about this stranger, this one man amongst men, who possesses the very soul that has been, and always will be, intertwined with her own. And for as surely as she knew this, she saw that he recognized the same. He too, had written countless stories about her, and dreamed about many delights.
No word was spoken, no question was asked. For truth had been felt, their hearts had been joined. They knew, that from that moment forward, they belonged together and would be, for the rest of their lives.
He took her hand, and put his arm around her. Together, they walked up the frosty hill. The couple approached a square shaped pool, with its surface frozen over. Surrounding it were wooden cabins, each with a large, cozy firepot placed on the porch. There were people playing acoustic guitars, there was singing, and there was eating by the fires.
The two lovers presented themselves to everyone, greeting all with heartfelt warmth, and leaving no doubt that the two of them belonged together.
After she awakened, Erica was convinced that she would, indeed, meet this man. Her heart knew the man in her dream was real, and that he was looking for her too.
When Erica first saw Kilian’s eyes, she recognized the gaze of the man of her dream. She recognized her soulmate. Just like in the dream, both she and he only needed one look to know they had imagined each other before, and that they were always meant to be.
As they got to know each other better over time and text, Erica discovered that Kilian possesses traits she had always associated with the man in her dream. Traits she had written down before to make sure to never forget.
In many ways, the universe shows us deep truths. It tells us many stories, from the making of time, to the dawn of men. And so, as it had happened before, Erica and Kilian met, and recognized destiny in each other’s gaze.”
I married my soulmate, Kilian, on Valentine’s Day. Our Ceremony Speech, about how we recognized each other, was a true story. I recounted it to Kilian and he wrote it out for our lovely priestess Lauren to read.
Does it really matter if the inner self is an illusion?
It could be argued that love is an illusion, or life is an illusion. The difference between dream and reality, making love and fucking, friendship and acquaintance – lies wherever you decide to believe in it. The moment you stop believing it, it is no longer real.
The same goes for identity. Some people may be driven to spend their whole lives figuring out who they are, because it’s a compulsion to do so, even if they admit that origin and identity are constructs that exist because we decide to believe in them, give credence to them and invest in them. Others might give this construct less credence.
But, I don’t understand what the point is, in dismantling the construct. To me, it doesn’t matter if something is objectively ‘real’ or not. I’m subjective, and if I have to make one ‘objectively true’ statement about myself, it’s that I’ll never be objective or unbiased. Nobody can ever be. And to me, doubting the very source of my passions and feelings is unnatural and unproductive. I’m naturally driven to take my feelings at face value, and dissect the patterns behind them. And I don’t see how that makes me worse than someone who doesn’t invest in their self or identity.
I don’t disagree that self is an illusion – I just wonder at what point it’s productive to fold my mind over and over upon itself to dismantle my passions. When I say productive, I mean toward personal growth; I don’t mean “achievement-oriented” or “inducing concrete results.”
I have already realized the concept of self is illusory long, long ago. I read several books by Herman Hesse and Carlos Casteneda when I was 11 or 12, and in my later teens and early 20s I deconstructed and reconstructed myself thoroughly with the use of LSD – which I used for spiritual reasons, personal growth, self-searching, artistic development and so on. I am more than aware of the simple truths like “Self is an ego construct” but I wonder what good it does me to dwell on dismantling it, rather than to express it and trust my intuitions. If there’s one thing I learned through my losses, trauma and soul searching, it’s that life has no inherent meaning – it’s up to us to give it meaning. And having a sense of purpose is what gives my life meaning. My sense of purpose goes beyond understanding myself- it extends to the realm of expressing myself in the most honest, bare, authentic way I experience it. And doubting all my experiences and feelings does not help me to do that, but rather, turns in on itself and gets me nowhere. I already know life could be a dream and my sense of self could be deconstructed.. but so what?
Each LSD trip was like cleaning out my house. Imagine putting all your stuff outside, leaving it to chance – it could be stolen, it could rain or snow. You cant get rid of the shape of your house… that’s your body, your container. All of the things inside it are your identity construct, your feelings, your aesthetic, your ideas, your values, the things you chose to define and expand yourself. So now, those things are outside and anything could happen to them. As the trip winds down over several hours, you decide which things are important or helpful and bring them back in first, and arrange them in a new way that makes more sense now that you’ve seen your container empty. You leave outside the things that are too heavy or taking up unnecessary space.
I could do this over and over and over, but I don’t find it productive at this point. My house has been arranged in a certain way that is conducive to writing music, recording my albums, writing my books, building on the constructs and choices that have emerged from my self-exploration. I could take LSD or do other things to clean it out again and leave it empty over and over, but then I will never build on it, I will never expand beyond it; I will only reflect on myself ad nauseum, like an endless, eternal hall of mirrors, and I will never simply BE with myself the way I chose to build myself, and put something out for the world, something that I CHOSE to give meaning to, something that feels like a purpose and gives me impetus to wake up every morning and keep going. Which would be the more logical and emotionally satisfying and HONEST choice? Growth is about embodying ourselves, taking action, expressing ourselves out in the world.. basically, turning the hall of mirrors outward instead of reflecting on ourselves until we’re empty and our lives are meaningless and we are utterly isolated.
“This is what I mean when I refer to self-expression. I do my best to share my personal truth but people will not always interpret it the way it is meant. This is why I refer to artwork as a mirror. When I create it, it’s my mirror, but when someone else views it, it’s their own mirror to see as they see fit. This is why I don’t believe two people can truly understand each other, but in essence we are all the same, so if we understand what makes us human then we really understand what is essential about each other perfectly.”
– Erica Xenne, 2013
“On a deeper level, I live to expose my true self through my work. I feel I’m a vessel through which songs and stories emerge. The content serves as a mirror. It exposes parts of myself that are buried deep within my subconscious, and which might otherwise remain unnoticed. In sharing my work, I hope to function as a mirror for others. What success means, to me, is knowing that my fight to sing on my album, despite speaking in a whisper, has inspired someone else to create her own artwork. Success is hearing someone quote my lyrics or reference my stories because it expresses something SHE is feeling. I want people to see themselves in my work, rather than merely seeing “me.” I want to touch on something universal. And, through bearing my own soul, I hope to inspire others to express themselves honestly, and to pursue their dreams against all odds.”
-Erica Xenne, 2012
“I am driven to channel and embody all that I am. I feel I’m not really alive unless I know what I’m willing to die for, and this is it – to be a vessel through which passion emerges. By ‘passion,’ I mean the Life Principle. Fire, Anima, Life, Erosia. Passion, for me, is a Force of Nature. It also has a dark side; one’s ‘sins’ – and I don’t run from that. I aim to lure my demons out of the closet to dance with my angels and merge. If I suffocate them, isolate them, shun them – they will destroy. That’s why I am Animal and not Anima. So Carnal it’s Spiritual.”
-Erica Xenne, 2019
My father delivered this to me – he found it in an old box, probably from when my brother and I were teenagers. I have no recollection of its existence, but the handwriting is explicitly mine.
